Freedom Comes from Letting Things Die
parenting, aging, and little full moon ritual
We are told in Buddhism that suffering happens when there is a disconnect from how it is and how we want it to be. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t want- desire is what keeps us going. This means that by accepting the present circumstance, we can make choices with clarity.
Every day last week as we moved closer to my daughter’s seventh birthday, she and I would fight. My once chubby-cheeked water baby would now declare with her very defined cheekbones, “I HATE THE BEACH”. This was inconvenient because we were, in fact, on a beach vacation. We were staying just walking distance from the ocean in Rhode Island with my parents, siblings, their spouses and children. I would retort with, “But you always loved the beach!” As a water baby myself, I would love nothing more than spending a whole day getting my ass kicked by some Atlantic waves.
So as her birthday arrived on the last day of our vacation, I asked if she finally wanted try the beach. Here is the thing about my kid: she is a Leo sun and Cancer rising so she loves to stay home, but once she gets out, she has a great time. The fighting commenced. I sat down and asked what she wanted to do instead. She said, “I want to get doughnuts, play Barbies with you and snuggle.” Okay, let’s do it.
Then something came into my mind that my very wise friend and former podcast co-host, Kate Martin, would say.
Watching your kid grow up is like witnessing a lot of mini deaths. The baby is gone. The toddler is no longer here. We grieve past versions of our children as we make way for the new ones.
I was suffering because I wanted this version of my daughter to be like the one last year, or the year before that. I wasn’t present for the kid who was right in front of me. Once I was, we had flow and I could be witness for how amazing she currently is.
I noticed this theme rippled into many other relationships. Family trips can bring up big feelings as we revert to old versions of ourselves and project that onto others. I realized it was silly to have teenage resentments towards a 40 year old that I am comparing peri-menopause symptoms with. I can’t enjoy the person in front of me if I’m holding onto parts of them that no longer exist. I had to let them die.
During this same trip, I noticed the lightness of my silver hair more than usual. As someone who has, as Ilana Glazer says, “raw-dogging space and time” (no Botox, fillers or dying my hair), I’ve been noticing my changing body, face and hair for some time now. It usually feels neutral (thanks to years of work in body acceptance!), but this time gave me a twinge of fear. Would my husband still find me attractive even as my hair continued to lighten? (This is the only negative thing I worry about with body changing. He says, yes he will). I realized the same grief and clinging I had toward my kid was directed at my hair. Sure, in this case, I could just dye it, and maybe one day I will. For me (and I am literally just speaking for myself, if you do want to use injectables and hair dye, in the kindest way, I do not care), allowing my body to evolve in her own way without too much interjection feels like an act of love.
In the same way I feed, facilitate experiences for, and find time for enrichment with my child, I do that for my body. In the same way I’m doing an experiment on raising a daughter in a body-neutral home- no discussion of body size/ weight, no moral tie to food or size, no shame about having bodily needs and functions- I do that for my body. So, as I could feel my resistance to the release of a past version of her, I was unfortunately doing the same for myself.
Freedom comes from letting things die.
In the west, we struggle with death because we think it’s final. Yogis and witches know that nothing ends- it evolves. Witches follow the seasons, watching the plants and stars morph within their cycles. Yogis observe the trinity of Brahma (the creator), Vishnu (the sustainer) and Shiva (the destroyer). These archetypes interact with each other also in a cyclic nature. Knowing that after something is destroyed, something new is born.
When we hold onto something that is ready to be released, not only is that actually impossible, but it robs us of the gift of what is to come. This doesn’t mean that letting things go is easy or fun. You will likely have some big feelings about it. AND, when you let yourself move through those feelings, who is to say what type of magic is waiting for you on the other side?
These contemplations are coming to me during a powerful full moon in Aquarius. If you, too, have been experiencing the struggle with letting something go, I have a ritual for you. It includes:
Tarot deep dive
Guided meditation
Chord Cutting Candle spell
